Getting comfortable with dependence

My guest appearance on the Peaceful Exit podcast

Dependence, as defined in the Oxford dictionary, is a part of my human experience. That fact is something I am still learning to accept.

de·pend·ence*

/dəˈpend(ə)ns/

noun

the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else.

For this eldest girl child with Type-A tendencies, relying on others and circumstances outside my control (including my own body’s functioning) can be excruciating. I spent much of my first thirty years of life trying to establish a fortress of solitude and security. I think you all know how that worked out for me.

Part of my problem is that I’m a White, middle-class American. The idea of independence has always been central to the mainstream American psyche. The mainstream view is that we are “individual, separate, influencing others and the world, free from influence, and equal to, if not better than, others” (Markus, 2017). This “independent model of the self” (Markus, 2017) is the backbone of Western psychology and counseling. When we personally stumble on some of the limits of that independence, we may suffer identity crises and mood disorders (and/or feel compelled to write memoirs!)

Many people in the U.S. see dependency as a bad word, equating it with co-dependency. Mental Health America’s page on co-dependency paints a horrifying picture of one-sided, abusive relationships that are the exact opposite of what we probably all want. In our culture, we often fear this clinical description of harmful relationship dynamics so much that we shy away from any connotation of dependence. We care…but not too deeply. We commit…but only as long as it’s mutually agreeable. Even when we acknowledge that pure independence isn’t biologically or societally possible, we use words like “interdependence” to cushion the blow and distance us from the connotation of dependency. Interdependence is hailed as “a beacon of healthy relational dynamics, fostering mutual support and growth” (Psychology Today).

Interdependence is lovely, but the term did not suffice to describe my experience while surviving seizures or cardiac arrest. Interdependence has not always been accessible to me (for instance, when I was in a coma…or convulsing…or sometimes, while emotionally processing those medical events) and therefore wasn’t always a fair goal. I think the confusion lies in thinking that interdependence can be a permanent state—that two people can constantly meet each other halfway. Just as a permanently one-sided relationship is unhealthy, so is a relationship that requires you to never let your guard down, to always be giving as much as you’re receiving, to disown that your health or emotional status sometimes requires one-way support. I was able to start building room for the role of dependence in human relationships when I acknowledged that true interdependence over time requires periods of both independence and dependence. The right balance isn’t an end state to reach, but a dance that gets negotiated and renegotiated over the years in all of our functional adult relationships.

In an interview that posted today on the Peaceful Exit podcast (click below or listen on Apple or Spotify), I discuss independence, interdependence, and dependence with host Sarah Cavanaugh. She asks me at one point to define terms. While we discuss it in the show, I thought it was important enough to warrant a Substack blurb, as well.

Last night, my bedtime journal entry consisted of one simple statement: YOUR BODY IS IN CHARGE. If all of life is an exploration of the Serenity Prayer—a quest to determine what we control, what we don’t, and how to tell the difference—then the hardest part of this journey for me has been learning that my body is in the driver’s seat. Indeed, my conscious mind largely exists to get that body’s needs met. When I don’t succeed, well, my body reminds me who’s boss. Of all the humbling lessons of the past several years, this one brings me to my knees most often. And it’s the primary reason that while I may strive for interdependence overall, across my full network of relationships, I will never again be able to strive for islandhood. I’m dependent on many other people, and many other people are dependent on me. We’re all just trying to get our living bodies’ needs met.

Best of luck to everyone struggling in these socially and economically disruptive times. Keep taking care of each other!

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*Oxford University Press. (n.d.). Dependence. In Oxford English dictionary. Retrieved May 27, 2025.