A Year Spent Unscrambling

Sorting out the present from the past and deciding what it all means for the future.

Happy December!

It’s that time of year when I tend to journal a little extra and ponder (read: judge) the last few months of my lucky and oh-so-unlikely second life.

I choose a word each year, a theme to chew on for twelve months in my journals. I picked a very nice word for 2024: “soften.” I chose this lovely word because it spoke to a new goal of going a bit easier on myself and living at a more sustainable pace post-SCA (sudden cardiac arrest). As I realized almost from the start, though, “soften” was the wrong word for the moment. To soften requires that you’ve established a cozy place to rest. It requires a modicum of protection and peace. These are things I want, but I’m not quite there yet.

In hindsight, a better verb for 2024 is “unscramble.”

un·scram·ble

verb. restore (something that has been scrambled) to an intelligible, readable, or viewable state.

- Oxford Languages

My SCA and the symptoms that followed scrambled my career, my relationships, my priorities, and every imaginable aspect of my identity. I became a great big jumbled mess. When I met new people, I had no idea how to answer the question, “and what do you do?” I published a memoir one year ago, but doubted that I have what it takes to become a full-time writer. I also wasn’t sure I wanted to go backwards, to federal change consulting.

For the past year, I tried a lot of potential purposes on for size. I began yoga teacher training. I spoke to podcasts and networked with other writers and SCA survivors. I continued to pursue testing in the hopes of finding a root cause of my bizarre medical history. I volunteered as a crisis counselor. In October, I applied to programs in clinical mental health counseling, considering a major career change. All the while, I applied to paid roles big and small—reach positions, and also jobs far beneath my experience and credentials—telling myself it was “just in case.” In case of what? In case I was the sort of person who did this or that thing, I suppose. The truth is, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I had a need to explore my options before cementing any big decisions.

2024 was a year spent getting my ducks in a row. I isolated some clear drives—my calling towards working in mental health, for instance. I isolated some key barriers—finances, fatigue at night, my dissatisfaction and ineptitude as a housewife. Meanwhile, I blew 2023’s cardiac rehabilitation goals out of the water. I hiked and backpacked, took up pickleball and paddleboading, and even began jogging again. Last week, I completed my first 5k since before the SCA.

I’m not sure exactly when I turned the corner and life started to feel manageable, but more days than not, it’s getting there. I have a sense of seeing clearly where I’m headed and understanding clearly who I am, even if I still take short rides on the proverbial struggle bus. If you’ve ever tried to untangle a thin, fragile necklace, you might know how I feel. It can be a process to unscramble that tangled mess, and if you rush the process, you end up with an even bigger knot. You have to treat the reality in front of you with respect, gently loosening the strands around any potential solution until eventually the whole thing unravels into a long, clean, shining chain.

There were some big, bold moments of unscrambling this year. The day I landed a part-time job facilitating anger management and domestic violence treatment classes, my first psychoeducation role, was one. Registering for classes at WVU, and committing to this first step towards licensure as a professional counselor, was on a similar scale. Launching my yoga business today, unscrambleyoga.com—a side gig that I plan to continue alongside mental health internships, residencies, and ultimately, private practice—was yet another moment of clarity and contentment.

It’s easy to focus on these big moments of decision, when I offered myself up in service to the world and the world answered. There have been so many other moments, though, of disciplined preparation and simple practice. Moments when my offerings go unanswered, quietly working their magic and contributing to a brand new matrix of support and grounding. Showing up nearly every workday morning for 7 AM yoga with my husband is a great example of what I mean. No given day is a revelation, but over time we’re remaking our bodies, minds, and connection. Food journaling became another important practice, a boring but necessary step towards managing my reliance on sweets to cope with dark feelings about my health crisis. Weekly therapy sessions, monthly volunteer meetings, and a commitment to try and get to pickleball open play any Saturday we’re in town…all of these things add up.

It was an active year. It was a hard year. It was a necessary year. Not much about it was linear. The curvy trajectory I’ve traveled in 2024 inspired the logo for my yoga business:

www.unscrambleyoga.com

I mention my yoga journey and its impact on my physical and emotional healing in many posts, but two of my favorite yoga-themed articles can be found here:

Rolling into the 2024 holidays, I wish you the best as you celebrate your personal successes, relationships, and healthy habits. What have you unscrambled in 2024?

Thanks for being here with me. And if you’re a new follower, I recommend checking out the Archive. This unfolding story reads best when you start at the beginning, with the very first article:

Cheers!!